05/27/2008 12:26 I can't believe it's almost June and I still haven't gone to yoga once this year. Note to self: Don't make any more New Years Resolutions that you won't keep. xow   01/22/2008 12:45 It just stopped raining but it's still cold. I can't wait for hot flashes and global warming.... I'm off to Indio California to the Fantasy Springs Casino, where I'll be performing with Scott Kennedy and David Gee, two hilarious comedians. David does thee best impersonation of Jack Nicholson on the planet. I still haven't seen the movie The Bucket List (with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman), but they shot one of the scenes on my street, and we all went down and watched. That was about a year ago, if not more. Movies take such a long time to make, and then they're over in two hours. I've been following politics closely, but I don't talk about politics or religion, because I once heard Paris Hilton's sister say that her mother told her never to talk about politics or religion in public, and I thought that was good advice. That leaves food, sex, money and clothing. Flying. My car. Relationships. Pets. Family. And the Hiltons. And of course, Britney. The latest on Britney is that they now think she has multiple personalities. Oddly, none of them has underwear. (My friend wrote that joke, but he's too shy to let me write his name.) xow   01/03/2008 23:20 Whoa. I had some technical difficulties (computer glitches) which made it impossible for me to update my blog -- since, gulp, March of 2007. But I'm back now. Happy New Year to you if you're reading this. (Even if you're not reading this.) I hope 2008 is full of your favorite things. I just saw the movie Walk Hard, and thought it was hilarious. xow   03/29/2007 01:59 Richard Jeni was a phenomenal comedian. He fell between the cracks. I am so sad.   02/06/2007 23:07 Where was I? I'm in Florida now, where it's not unusual to see a duck walking on the sidewalk. The audiences are a dream come true. I recently found the secret to life: Water. Drinking lots and lots and lots of water. I might float away. xow   09/24/2006 07:56 Today is right around the beginning of Autum. :) Happy New Year!   06/07/2006 23:15 It's June. Birthdays graduations anniversaries. The older I get the more people I know and every day it seems there is something to celebrate. I have been traveling and performing like crazy, working on my book (Swear on Lily -- it's probably 9 years now! If Lily were my child she'd be in 3rd grade), doing Sudoku puzzles and making juice. I can't cook but I bought a juicer after seeing Jack LaLanne on an infommercial. I can't cook but I can put oranges in a chute :) I'm trying to get on that show DUETS -- it's Simon Cowell's newest show -- where a musician is paired with someone and that someone would be me. I'm planning on singing "My Funny Valentine," because I'm a comedian, and also that's my parent's song. (They are celebrating their 50th anniversary this month.) My song with my husband is, "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Gotta go juice.   03/12/2006 01:01 It's been too long since I wrote. But I'm back. Getting through the holidays is like playing Monopoly and your friend has hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, and you just have to get past them. I just turned 45 and I don't know where time goes. Thank you to my amazing audiences recently in Atlanta, Boston, Providence, Vegas, Palm Beach and Boca. xow   11/28/2005 18:35 I just finished all my holiday shopping...from 1996.   11/28/2005 18:34 I joined Netflix and Blockbuster because they're both free for the first few weeks. The DVDs from Netflix seemed less scratched, so I'm going with Netflix. Movies I've seen this year that I still think about: Me and You and Everyone We Know (wow); The Station Agent; Elephant; and Lovely and Amazing. I can't wait to see Harry Potter and Wallace and Grommit. My husband wrote three movies that are about to be made! I fucking love the movies.   08/27/2005 21:25 Lately while my husband is sleeping I've been watching TV shows like Investigative Reports, Cold Case Files, and City Confidential. I don't know why I'm obsessed with true crime, but my husband wants to know if he should be concerned. Now that Six Feet Under is over, Entourage is my new HBO show. Garden State is one of my favorite movies. Reading Pema Chodron and the latest SARK. Songs that I skip over the least on my IPod are by Steely Dan, Paula Cole, and Pat Methaney. We went to see James Taylor at the Hollywood Bowl last week and sat in the very last row of the second to last section -- he was like a spec on stage. It was a GORGEOUS summer night and it was actually really cool watching everyone's head singing. My 10 year old recognized one of his songs from a car commercial. Instead of lighting lighters for an encore, people hold up their lighted cell phones. The only thing missing from the concert was my favorite JT song -- Only A Dream in Rio. I hope you are all having a sweet August.   08/26/2005 02:38 I've had both a busy and relaxing summer. I can't believe it's almost over. Then again, I can't believe I have to buy water and pump my own gas. Speaking of gas prices, how INSANE is that? I thought that's one of the reason we went to war? I don't understand politics. It's too political. On another note, this past week I finished the latest Harry Potter and watched the last episode of Six Feet Under. Both were about death but made me think about life and how I want to get a little sun, take deep breaths, and love the people I love.   07/03/2005 05:06 You can always hear water running. As long as you're alive, just listen. You can hear it. It's either dripping or flowing, wooshing, dropping, pouring streaming crash. It might just hum but you can count on it. As sure as your heart is beating down, you can always hear water somewhere, even in the dead of night, in upper Michigan (the UP they call it), when there was nothing else around but me and pitch black, I listened for the lake and cried, and wept. Even at the 7-11 you can hear water because someone is usually mopping. They're wearing white or blue or beautiful green. You're looking for supplies, milk, snacks. Or maybe it's just a trickle or just rain, when it's dark out when it's light. But I know there's always water flowing. Tears. Relief. One of its many liquid forms. I hope it's just there to hear. (You might also hear a voice or a ticking clock.)   07/02/2005 12:13 I heard a singer named Chloe. She is 16. She sounds like an angel. I've been reading everything I can by Natalie Goldberg (writer, painter, buddhist). But last night I was up all night reading a book about insomnia.   06/09/2005 17:03 I hope I die in my sleep because I love to sleep. I've been listening to Mindy Smith's song "Ragedy Ann." I think we are all one thing separated by time. This is a month of birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations. My sister is getting married next month :) She is the nicest person I know.   05/08/2005 04:30 I performed in Camden New Jersey last night, at Rutger's Gordon Theater as part of Mike Mill's Laughter Arts Festival. In the middle of my show, a woman walked up and sat on the edge of the stage. She put her coat over her head and said, "What do you think of the runaway bride?" Um, security! The line-up was Mody and Orny Adams -- both were hilarious -- and Jake Johansen - my favorite stand-up. I met some really great people at the meet and greet. April drove me to the airport at 7 a.m. bless her heart! I've been meaning to say this for a while: My fans are the best!   04/02/2005 21:58 Is the book NOTES TO MYSELF by Hugh Prather the father of all blogs? My friend Debby had a window put in a wall near her front door. I asked, "You can just cut through the wall and make a window?" But she didn't need to answer cause I saw it there myself. If you're not reading my blog today, then it's cold off the press. I spend at least one hour a day playing Scrabble Blast on line.   04/01/2005 14:13 April 1, 2005. I'm God's little joke and the joke is on me. 44 and I'm still breaking out. Mitch (Hedberg) made his audience feel special because he was and he wanted to be. He wasn't what you expected. A comedian, a poet, a friend in that moment. If the punchline is the thing that ties up loose ends, and then makes you smile, then he was a punchline incarnate. Now, turned on a dime. It makes no sense. One of only one kind. Kind. All together, seriously. Perfectly synced. The sound of his voice still thinking, making me cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and laugh and think.   03/31/2005 13:11 Last night, while doing dishes, I was thinking about Mitch Hedberg. Ever since I started reading a biography about Kurt Cobain, Mitch Hedberg has been on my mind. While I was putting the plates away last night I was thinking how Mitch Hedberg never sold out, how I got to work with him once, how I once saw him perform in Montreal and he was electric. This morning I heard that Mitch Hedberg died.   03/31/2005 11:56 I tried to fast but it went by too slowly. My therapist uses reverse psychology on me. I was going to work out today but then I thought to myself, "Why start now?" I lifted weights though. Do paperweights count? I'm desperate to see Desperate Housewives. I've never seen it because I'm always too busy doing dishes. Other than Iron Chef (as you know), LOST is my new favorite show although it makes me uncomfortable. I think LOST is basically life. We get what we need for reasons we don't know. And then Oprah does a show about it.   03/25/2005 14:51 I'm a bad stepmother. I'm not wicked or anything, but I eat my stepchildren's Halloween candy. I'm grateful for the "recently deleted mail" function on my computer. I've been listening to Robert Downey Jr.'s new CD, The Futurist. I got a new phone. I think everyone should get their own phone. My old phone was oversized -- like the carrot in Woody Allen's SLEEPER (the movie of his I laughed the most at). Seriously, my old cell phone was the size of a shoe. 6 1/2, triple A. My old phone was so old: my number was 1978. I saw Melinda Melinda last night. So so. I wrote a joke about being 44. But I don't know where I put it. Having access to the internet makes life an open book test -- you can always find an answer.   03/25/2005 03:20 I live in Studio City, California, where they shoot a lot of TV shows and Robert Blake's wife. He got off this week. I feel sorry for Michael Jackson. He's obviously needs help. He needs to talk to Oprah, but not on TV. Behind closed doors.   03/09/2005 12:16 I just typed in a whole blog and lost EVERYTHING. So right now I'm sympathizing with anyone who's ever lost data. Someone should invent a device that records every keystroke. At some point there will be a device that records everything you do, and that way you can use it to defend yourself. "See, I couldn't have robbed that bank, I was at TGIFridays eating French Fries. Freedom Fries." The word blog is not in my dictionary. I used to work at a publishing company, Houghton Mifflin. They made dictionaries. The editors actually defined words. How do you get THAT job, I wonder? "Yes, I feel qualified to tell you what words mean." My father-in-law and his brother, The Sherman Brothers, created the word SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS. I'll try now to re-create what I wrote earlier: I have about 30 titles for my CD. Here they are: actual size; as is; afterthoughts; kidding aside; artist formerly known as princess; between naps; committed at last; about time; 45, 23, 555; for the record; unmedicated; jokes to make love by; laughing all the way; levity; life is short and so am I; living proof; may I have your attention, please?; near mrs.; nervous breakthrough; on my feet; pink socks; playmate of the year (picture of me in nursery school); standing myself; talking in my sleep (picture of me on the phone); taller on TV (picture of me standing on the TV); best of/only of; the flip side; through the cracks; feeling funny; I feel witty; twisted; under my breath; wendy pan; fully grown; speaking for myself; in front of my back; talking to strangers; and one-on-one. According to my friend Phil, I am funnier one-on-one, so instead of traveling to a city near you (I don't like traveling, but even more than that, I HATE leaving my family), so instead of going on the road, I would like to record my CD from home. Actually from my bed. I love my bed. Loving your bed is critical. Some of the tracks on the CD recorded from my home will be: What to wear to therapy. I know I'm home on Tuesdays. Turning the corner. Driving to Phil's house. Coincidences are clues. Blog. Things that make me laugh. My mantra is procrastination. I'm sorry I apologized.   03/09/2005 06:24 I did a show at Hofstra College the other night. After the show the, opening act Michele Balan and I answered questions and chatted with the audience. I loved every minute of the night. My audience was small which is great because I'm funnier one-on-one, according to my friend Phil. A divinity student named Seth was in my audience, a security guy Fred (in case someone wanted to steal a joke?), and a woman who was missing 24. I think she was on the crew. Some friends came too, and a few other comedians and about 50 other people but I didn't have my glasses on. The audience asked me what comedians I liked. Ellen. Jake Johanssen. Stephen Wright. David Letterman. I aksed them. Dane Cook, Eddie Izzard, Mitch Hedberg, Dave Attel, Conan O'Brien. Mitch Faitel. The audience said they liked the title, "Pink Socks" better than "Standing Myself" for my CD. I should just call it "Entitled," since I spend more time figuring out what to call it than I do working on it. I feel like I turned a corner though, changed my course that night. Then I watched two movies on WE or Lifetime or Oxygen, both starring Stockard Channing. After that I watched Inside the Actors Studio and James Lipton was interviewing Jay Leno. I loved seeing them talk. Jay Leno must be the hardest working man period. Now I'm back in LA though I have to go back to NY in three days. But I get to be with my family, plus three days is six loads of laundry. :) wendy   02/26/2005 20:16 I turn 44 tomorrow. I guess it's downhill from there. Good. Cause I am f*#&! exhausted. It's also Elizabeth Taylor's birthday, Chelsea Clinton's, Joanne Woodward's, Josh Groban's, and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's to name a few. And also Janie Maslin's. (We went to elementary school together.) The older I get the more humbled I get, the fatter, grayer, and more forgetful I get, and the more sympathetic I become. Not to mention older. After my birthday parties I usually get post-party depression, which is why this year I'm just going to stay home with my husband, watch the Oscar's, eat sushi, and make catty comments about what everyone is wearing. :)   02/17/2005 19:53 I think children tell you what you need to hear.   01/31/2005 14:39 I have not written a blog in a long time because I was in Florida and my AOL wasn't working -- it's a long story -- you're probably bored already. I was in Florida for 2 and a half weeks, performing at retirement communities. I managed to get food poisoning the second day. I spent a lot of time watching ALIAS -- the first three seasons! I'm addicted to ALIAS. I should go to ALIAS ANONYMOUS. (Don't tell anybody.) I finished the book ANGELS & DEMONS. I went to a ballet, Coppelia, with my Aunt Cynthia. I worked with some great people (Don, Annette, Suzy, Alex, Pete, Bill & Chuck, Justin & Amanda, and Cliff & Fatchma)! NOW, I'm glad to be home....   01/31/2005 14:34 Johnny Carson was the best there will ever be. He made me laugh and cry at the same time. He knew his place. He knew when and how so, then, maybe, why. And he had perfect timing. He kept my attention to the end. And time flew before I went to sleep. I got to meet him once, and I think about it still, the thrill of that moment and the fact that it too has passed on. The world spins on, and Johnny Carson, a giant among men, is watching over us for all the seasons to come.   12/18/2004 20:10 I got my hair cut today by Carmen at Allen Edwards Salon in Studio City. I think figuring out your hair is a life long event. And figuring out what to wear. I never know what to wear. I got an obscene phone call and the guy is like, (whisper) "What are you wearing?" And I'm like, (whisper) "I can't decide." My cousin Beth gave me the premise for that joke. I come from a long line of Rockettes. I never know what to wear. I should have picked a job with a uniform. I never know what to wear because I don't like my body. I know it gets me around, but I wish I liked the shape better. I know I just need to work out. I should lift weights. I lift paper weights. I should work out, or walk. I want to lose ten pounds. I don't even want to be on TV. They say you look ten pounds heavier on TV. Does that mean that the really really skinny actresses that you see on like Ally McBeal, that they're so skinny on TV that in real life they don't even exist? I tried to lose ten pounds today. I'll just have to keep my mood lighter. It's the holidays and I'd rather give than receive because if you give you don't have to write a thank you card. Happy holidays. wendy   12/17/2004 19:05 This is my first blog entry ever. I don't knowwho is reading this, so I'll just write it to everyone. Just in case they're reading it. I was talking with my 9 year old stepson (I have a 13 year old stepson too), and I said, "When I'm older, I want to be like Frances McDormand in Coldwater Canyon." And my stepson says, "Wendy, WHEN you get older? You're 43!" No more allowance for him.... He asked me to read the book ERAGON, about a dragon and a dragon rider. It's really amazing. I wish I read faster and more. I have a million books. I love just having them. I'll read them all at some point. And then I'll take them back to the library and try to cut a deal. I overheard someone say there will be paperless schools and offices one day. I've said enough for my first day. wendy