This rental car just said I needed to take a break during my long drive. (It sensed fatigue and distraction.) It also suggested I stop at a mall for a new wardrobe.


I have an emotional support box of Cheezits. (Family size.)


Most of my clocks changed themselves this year. They grow up so fast.


I go to Red Lobster for the parking.


My first thought when checking my Covid test: Phew I'm not pregnant.


I can't even make a pineapple right side up cake.


I've always been a diva.  When trick-or-treating, I had to do a costume change before every house.

I won't pay to be verified on Twitter. I go to therapy for that.

Yesterday I butt-dialed a friend. 

I had no idea my butt knew my passcode.

I'm not losing my marbles -- I just can't find them as quickly.

I'll only drink a smoothie if I'm listening to jazz.

I don't know what schedule drug Marijuana is considered.  I just know it's on the schedule.


I just ate a sleeve of crackers and a pant leg of cookies.


Sense of humor is my favorite one.


Getting dressed for a funeral recently and realized I'm always dressed for a funeral.


Whenever I read a poem in a literary magazine I feel like I'm being punked.


They say cooking is an art.  For me it's Krafts.


I just spilled coffee on my leg, cause it was asleep.

I usually go small cause I like going home.


Captcha just asked me to assemble a desk from IKEA.


My clothes aren't actually wrinkled -- they're formfitting.


I eat like I'm taller.


I just drove somewhere without using GPS.