I'm the youngest, so I always got hand-me downs and second-hand smoke.

​

I started wearing a bra when I was 11.  I didn't need it until I was 16.

​

I gave up drinking for rent.

​

There are so many comedians it's not even funny.

​

Starbucks is the opposite of Cheers. Nobody knows your name.

​

I feel sorry for men. I  can't always get my own bra off.

​

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow because I've been feeling really attracted to him. He's not interested in me but I'm going to ask for a second opinion.

​

My grandmother said that the secret to a successful marriage was to laugh.  At my grandpa.

 

They should have a clothing store for dogs called Forever 3.

​

My New Year's resolution is to stop dropping the ball.

​

I see ugly sweaters all year round.

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When I'm lonely I write back to junk mail.

 

I only drink water when I go out to eat.  (Me explaining to my accountant.)

 

There are eight days of Hannukah.  One for each spelling.

 

I used to have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).  Now I have NWTLMH (Never Want To Leave My House.)

 

You can't go to Urgent Care for Breast Augmentation. 

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Writers' Strike ends.  

Writer's block begins.

 

I think they tell you to retire in your sixties so you have time to go to the doctor.

 

I've been thinking about going back to school.  Fourth grade.

 

I lost two pounds recently. Mostly bone loss.

 

I used to have low self-esteem.  I once short-sheeted my own bed.

 

Wondering if the princess in The Princess and the Pea could feel the polyp in her colon.

 

I didn't fast this year on Yom Kippur but I did do a colonoscopy prep.

 

I need a new car. I'm thinking about getting a VW or an Uber.

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My dream was so boring it kept me asleep.

 

My grandmother wanted to be cremated because she never knew what to wear.

 

This hotel room is so small I might steal it.

 

My sleep App just told me I'm sleeping right now.

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My grays aren’t stubborn so much as they are headstrong.

 

They say oysters are an aphrodisiac. They’re snot.

My inner child just killed my imaginary friend.

 

I almost went to UCLA because they have a great dance program there and I'm really good at The Macarena.

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I'm out of my comfort zone.  Bed.

 

I remembered my Apple ID on the first try and feel like Indiana Fucking Jones.

 

I once slept through college.

 

I dated a lot before I was married and I HATED it.  Now I love it.

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The house I grew up in is haunted cause my parents still live there.

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We don't have basements in LA.  Even our houses are shallow.

​

I could never be a waitress because I'm not a good photographer.

​

I wonder if when chefs are having sex they say "behind"?

​

It smells at this airport and even the music stinks.

​

My dreams have intermissions.

​

I never got Barbie. I got Midge.  She lived with her mother.  And her car was in the shop.

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My doctor will only give me Ozempic if I sing the jingle.

​

I do intermittent fasting when I run out of food.

​

I do intermittent fasting intermittently.

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Are Raisinettes the girl raisins?

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I have skin tags and age spots but I can't see them cause my eyes are going.

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When I was in Kindergarten someone read me that book "All I Really Know I Learned in Kindergarten." So I dropped out.

 

Everything is looking up because I'm shrinking.

 

Every couple of months I go to a zombie convention.  I mean LAX in the morning.

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I am what I eat. N its.  Bananas.  Muffin tops.

 

I like drinking water with ice and by ice I mean diamonds.

 

My first steps were on a banana peel.

 

My dogs fight with each other like cats and dogs.

 

My psychic said I was gullible. But then she let me pay her with Bitcoin.

 

Someone told me I should play Pickleball.  "You'll have so much fun!"  "You're assuming I like to have fun."

 

My husband and I eat dinner by candlelight. We're not romantic -- we just look better in the dark.

 

They just recalled my phone.

 

All the bridesmaids who didn't catch the bouquet got a participation flower.

 

Linen clothes always looked slept in.  Well they are made of sheets.

 

I don't make my own clothes but I do stain and shrink them.

 

If I ever go to The Oscars they won't ask WHO I'm wearing. They'll ask WHAT and WHY.

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It's Daylight Savings and most of my clocks changed themselves this year.  They grow up so fast.

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My husband doesn't like when I put myself down.  He wants to do it.

 

Everything outside of my car is in my blind spot.

 

Thinking of becoming a judge because I just want to wear a robe from now on.

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I ordered a weighted blanket but I couldn't afford the shipping.

 

My husband doesn't like when I wear my boyfriend jeans.

 

The best thing about aging is there are fewer Limu Emu commercials.  And Doug.

 

I've gained so much weight recently my glasses don't fit.

 

I can no longer refer to them as The Girls.  They are now The Old Bags.

 

I can't even walk a straight line sober.

 

When I can't fall asleep I lie in bed and count calories.

 

I just went down a rabbit hole on the internet looking up bunnies.
 

I didn’t want to be a therapist because I didn't want to buy something for $125, like a vacuum, and think — I own this Shark because Marla hated her stepmother.

 

Eco Barbie. She's made out of glass. Comes in a Tiny House with a Recycling Bin.

 

My bicycle wheel was squeaky so I brought it in and they greased it right away.

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After every joke I’m going to send you a text, “How was my delivery?”

​

In high school my doctor told me to gain ten pounds so I tried to get on TV.

​

Someone bought my dog a birthday card, like he can read, he's TWO!

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Untuck It has a competitor called Don't Tuck It in In The First Place.

 

Just pulled some lint from the dryer that was so big I introduced myself.

 

I once dated a chef who taught me that you have to let the meat rest.

 

I'm too happy to be funny.  Don't worry, it'll pass.

 

A friend who's very spiritual told me I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  I was like, "Worrying?"

 

I moved to California for family reasons.  To get away.

 

There are eight days of Hanukkah, one for each spelling.

 

I saw a bald guy with a tattoo on his head that said "TOUPEE."

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The hotel was so fancy, instead of a thin mint on your pillow at night they put a whole Toblerone.

​

I don't know how this pilot passed Flyer's Ed.

​

This dispensary also sells catnip.

​

I just got a participation

trophy from my step counter.

​

I just wasted so much time shopping for a watch.

 

I've always had fear of missing out.  I was born a month early.

 

Little things make me happy, like choosing the serrated knife from the knife block on the first try.

 

For Thanksgiving I served left-over Halloween candy.

 

My husband fights with me for the make-up sex.

 

I can't even make pineapple right-side up cake.

 

This rental car just said I need to take a break during my long drive.  (It sensed fatigue and distraction.). It also suggested I stop at a mall for a new wardrobe.

 

I don't know what schedule drug Marijuana is considered.  I just know it's on the schedule.

 

I just ate a sleeve of crackers and a pant leg of cookies.

 

Sense of humor is my favorite one.

 

Getting dressed for a funeral recently and realized I'm always dressed for a funeral.

 

Whenever I read a poem in a literary magazine I feel like I'm being punked.

 

They say cooking is an art.  For me it's Krafts.

 

I just spilled coffee on my leg, cause it was asleep.

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I usually go small cause I like going home.

 

Captcha just asked me to assemble a desk from IKEA.

 

My clothes aren't actually wrinkled -- they're formfitting.

 

I eat like I'm taller.

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