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My husband and I eat dinner by candlelight. We're not romantic -- we just look better in the dark.


They just recalled my phone.


All the bridesmaids who didn't catch the bouquet got a participation flower.


Linen clothes always looked slept in.  Well they are made of sheets.


I don't make my own clothes but I do stain and shrink them.


If I ever go to The Oscars they won't ask WHO I'm wearing. They'll ask WHAT and WHY.

It's Daylight Savings and most of my clocks changed themselves this year.  They grow up so fast.

My husband doesn't like when I put myself down.  He wants to do it.


Everything outside of my car is in my blind spot.


Thinking of becoming a judge because I just want to wear a robe from now on.


My husband doesn't like when I wear my boyfriend jeans.


The best thing about aging is there are fewer Limu Emu commercials.  And Doug.


I've gained so much weight recently my glasses don't fit.


I can no longer refer to them as The Girls.  They are now The Old Bags.


can't even walk a straight line sober.


When I can't fall asleep I lie in bed and count calories.


I just went down a rabbit hole on the internet looking up bunnies.

I didn’t want to be a therapist because I didn't want to buy something for $125, like a vacuum, and think — I own this Shark because Marla hated her stepmother.


Eco Barbie. She's made out of glass. Comes in a Tiny House with a Recycling Bin.


My bicycle wheel was squeaky so I brought it in and they greased it right away.

After every joke I’m going to send you a text, “How was my delivery?”

In high school my doctor told me to gain ten pounds so I tried to get on TV.

Someone bought my dog a birthday card, like he can read, he's TWO!

Untuck It has a competitor called Don't Tuck It in In The First Place.


Just pulled some lint from the dryer that was so big I introduced myself.


I once dated a chef who taught me that you have to let the meat rest.


I'm too happy to be funny.  Don't worry, it'll pass.


A friend who's very spiritual told me I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  I was like, "Worrying?"


I moved to California for family reasons.  To get away.


There are eight days of Hanukkah, one for each spelling.


I saw a bald guy with a tattoo on his head that said "TOUPEE."

The hotel was so fancy, instead of a thin mint on your pillow at night they put a whole Toblerone.

I don't know how this pilot passed Flyer's Ed.

This dispensary also sells catnip.

I just got a participation

trophy from my step counter.

I just wasted so much time shopping for a watch.


I've always had fear of missing out.  I was born a month early.


Little things make me happy, like choosing the serrated knife from the knife block on the first try.


For Thanksgiving I served left-over Halloween candy.


My husband fights with me for the make-up sex.


I can't even make pineapple right-side up cake.


This rental car just said I need to take a break during my long drive.  (It sensed fatigue and distraction.). It also suggested I stop at a mall for a new wardrobe.


I don't know what schedule drug Marijuana is considered.  I just know it's on the schedule.


I just ate a sleeve of crackers and a pant leg of cookies.


Sense of humor is my favorite one.


Getting dressed for a funeral recently and realized I'm always dressed for a funeral.


Whenever I read a poem in a literary magazine I feel like I'm being punked.


They say cooking is an art.  For me it's Krafts.


I just spilled coffee on my leg, cause it was asleep.

I usually go small cause I like going home.


Captcha just asked me to assemble a desk from IKEA.


My clothes aren't actually wrinkled -- they're formfitting.


I eat like I'm taller.


I just drove somewhere without using GPS.

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