My husband and I eat dinner by candlelight. We're not romantic -- we just look better in the dark.

 

They just recalled my phone.

 

All the bridesmaids who didn't catch the bouquet got a participation flower.

 

Linen clothes always looked slept in.  Well they are made of sheets.

 

I don't make my own clothes but I do stain and shrink them.

 

If I ever go to The Oscars they won't ask WHO I'm wearing. They'll ask WHAT and WHY.

​

It's Daylight Savings and most of my clocks changed themselves this year.  They grow up so fast.

​

My husband doesn't like when I put myself down.  He wants to do it.

 

Everything outside of my car is in my blind spot.

 

Thinking of becoming a judge because I just want to wear a robe from now on.

 

My husband doesn't like when I wear my boyfriend jeans.

 

The best thing about aging is there are fewer Limu Emu commercials.  And Doug.

 

I've gained so much weight recently my glasses don't fit.

 

I can no longer refer to them as The Girls.  They are now The Old Bags.

 

I can't even walk a straight line sober.

 

When I can't fall asleep I lie in bed and count calories.

 

I just went down a rabbit hole on the internet looking up bunnies.
 

I didn’t want to be a therapist because I didn't want to buy something for $125, like a vacuum, and think — I own this Shark because Marla hated her stepmother.

 

Eco Barbie. She's made out of glass. Comes in a Tiny House with a Recycling Bin.

 

My bicycle wheel was squeaky so I brought it in and they greased it right away.

​

After every joke I’m going to send you a text, “How was my delivery?”

​

In high school my doctor told me to gain ten pounds so I tried to get on TV.

​

Someone bought my dog a birthday card, like he can read, he's TWO!

​

Untuck It has a competitor called Don't Tuck It in In The First Place.

 

Just pulled some lint from the dryer that was so big I introduced myself.

 

I once dated a chef who taught me that you have to let the meat rest.

 

I'm too happy to be funny.  Don't worry, it'll pass.

 

A friend who's very spiritual told me I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.  I was like, "Worrying?"

 

I moved to California for family reasons.  To get away.

 

There are eight days of Hanukkah, one for each spelling.

 

I saw a bald guy with a tattoo on his head that said "TOUPEE."

​

The hotel was so fancy, instead of a thin mint on your pillow at night they put a whole Toblerone.

​

I don't know how this pilot passed Flyer's Ed.

​

This dispensary also sells catnip.

​

I just got a participation

trophy from my step counter.

​

I just wasted so much time shopping for a watch.

 

I've always had fear of missing out.  I was born a month early.

 

Little things make me happy, like choosing the serrated knife from the knife block on the first try.

 

For Thanksgiving I served left-over Halloween candy.

 

My husband fights with me for the make-up sex.

 

I can't even make pineapple right-side up cake.

 

This rental car just said I need to take a break during my long drive.  (It sensed fatigue and distraction.). It also suggested I stop at a mall for a new wardrobe.

 

I don't know what schedule drug Marijuana is considered.  I just know it's on the schedule.

 

I just ate a sleeve of crackers and a pant leg of cookies.

 

Sense of humor is my favorite one.

 

Getting dressed for a funeral recently and realized I'm always dressed for a funeral.

 

Whenever I read a poem in a literary magazine I feel like I'm being punked.

 

They say cooking is an art.  For me it's Krafts.

 

I just spilled coffee on my leg, cause it was asleep.

​

I usually go small cause I like going home.

 

Captcha just asked me to assemble a desk from IKEA.

 

My clothes aren't actually wrinkled -- they're formfitting.

 

I eat like I'm taller.

 

I just drove somewhere without using GPS.