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My friend Amy convinced me to do Hot Yoga. I have to say, I prefer No Yoga.

The real reason to get married is to have someone to drive you to your colonoscopy.

I've never been the life of the party but I am the life of this funeral.

I recently bought a cocktail dress. So I guess now I'll have to start drinking.

In the 80s someone told me that mayonnaise was a good hair conditioner. I walked around for a week smelling like a tuna sandwich.

For my 22nd wedding anniversary my husband bought me a book called The Power of Silence.

You never say "Win some, lose some" when you win.

I'm the youngest, so I always got hand-me downs and second-hand smoke.

I started wearing a bra when I was 11. I didn't need it until I was 16.

I gave up drinking for rent.

There are so many comedians it's not even funny.

Starbucks is the opposite of Cheers. Nobody knows your name.

I feel sorry for men. I can't always get my own bra off.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow because I've been feeling really attracted to him. He's not interested in me but I'm going to ask for a second opinion.

My grandmother said that the secret to a successful marriage was to laugh. At my grandpa.

They should have a clothing store for dogs called Forever 3.

My New Year's resolution is to stop dropping the ball.

I see ugly sweaters all year round.

When I'm lonely I write back to junk mail.

I only drink water when I go out to eat. (Me explaining to my accountant.)

There are eight days of Hannukah. One for each spelling.

I used to have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Now I have NWTLMH (Never Want To Leave My House.)

You can't go to Urgent Care for Breast Augmentation.

Writers' Strike ends.

Writer's block begins.

I think they tell you to retire in your sixties so you have time to go to the doctor.

I've been thinking about going back to school. Fourth grade.

I lost two pounds recently. Mostly bone loss.

I used to have low self-esteem. I once short-sheeted my own bed.

Wondering if the princess in The Princess and the Pea could feel the polyp in her colon.

I didn't fast this year on Yom Kippur but I did do a colonoscopy prep.

I need a new car. I'm thinking about getting a VW or an Uber.

My dream was so boring it kept me asleep.

My grandmother wanted to be cremated because she never knew what to wear.

This hotel room is so small I might steal it.

My sleep App just told me I'm sleeping right now.

My grays aren’t stubborn so much as they are headstrong.

They say oysters are an aphrodisiac. They’re snot.

My inner child just killed my imaginary friend.

I almost went to UCLA because they have a great dance program there and I'm really good at The Macarena.

I'm out of my comfort zone. Bed.

I remembered my Apple ID on the first try and feel like Indiana Fucking Jones.

I once slept through college.

I dated a lot before I was married and I HATED it. Now I love it.

The house I grew up in is haunted cause my parents still live there.

We don't have basements in LA. Even our houses are shallow.

I could never be a waitress because I'm not a good photographer.

I wonder if when chefs are having sex they say "behind"?

It smells at this airport and even the music stinks.

My dreams have intermissions.

I never got Barbie. I got Midge. She lived with her mother. And her car was in the shop.

My doctor will only give me Ozempic if I sing the jingle.

I do intermittent fasting when I run out of food.

I do intermittent fasting intermittently.

Are Raisinettes the girl raisins?

I have skin tags and age spots but I can't see them cause my eyes are going.

When I was in Kindergarten someone read me that book "All I Really Know I Learned in Kindergarten." So I dropped out.

Everything is looking up because I'm shrinking.

Every couple of months I go to a zombie convention. I mean LAX in the morning.

I am what I eat. N its. Bananas. Muffin tops.

I like drinking water with ice and by ice I mean diamonds.

My first steps were on a banana peel.

My dogs fight with each other like cats and dogs.

My psychic said I was gullible. But then she let me pay her with Bitcoin.

Someone told me I should play Pickleball. "You'll have so much fun!" "You're assuming I like to have fun."

My husband and I eat dinner by candlelight. We're not romantic -- we just look better in the dark.

They just recalled my phone.

All the bridesmaids who didn't catch the bouquet got a participation flower.

Linen clothes always looked slept in. Well they are made of sheets.

I don't make my own clothes but I do stain and shrink them.

If I ever go to The Oscars they won't ask WHO I'm wearing. They'll ask WHAT and WHY.

It's Daylight Savings and most of my clocks changed themselves this year. They grow up so fast.

My husband doesn't like when I put myself down. He wants to do it.

Everything outside of my car is in my blind spot.

Thinking of becoming a judge because I just want to wear a robe from now on.

I ordered a weighted blanket but I couldn't afford the shipping.

My husband doesn't like when I wear my boyfriend jeans.

The best thing about aging is there are fewer Limu Emu commercials. And Doug.

I've gained so much weight recently my glasses don't fit.

I can no longer refer to them as The Girls. They are now The Old Bags.

I can't even walk a straight line sober.

When I can't fall asleep I lie in bed and count calories.

I just went down a rabbit hole on the internet looking up bunnies.

I didn’t want to be a therapist because I didn't want to buy something for $125, like a vacuum, and think — I own this Shark because Marla hated her stepmother.

Eco Barbie. She's made out of glass. Comes in a Tiny House with a Recycling Bin.

My bicycle wheel was squeaky so I brought it in and they greased it right away.

After every joke I’m going to send you a text, “How was my delivery?”

In high school my doctor told me to gain ten pounds so I tried to get on TV.

Someone bought my dog a birthday card, like he can read, he's TWO!

Untuck It has a competitor called Don't Tuck It in In The First Place.

Just pulled some lint from the dryer that was so big I introduced myself.

I once dated a chef who taught me that you have to let the meat rest.

I'm too happy to be funny. Don't worry, it'll pass.

A friend who's very spiritual told me I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I was like, "Worrying?"

I moved to California for family reasons. To get away.

There are eight days of Hanukkah, one for each spelling.

I saw a bald guy with a tattoo on his head that said "TOUPEE."

The hotel was so fancy, instead of a thin mint on your pillow at night they put a whole Toblerone.

I don't know how this pilot passed Flyer's Ed.

This dispensary also sells catnip.

I just got a participation

trophy from my step counter.

I just wasted so much time shopping for a watch.

I've always had fear of missing out. I was born a month early.

Little things make me happy, like choosing the serrated knife from the knife block on the first try.

For Thanksgiving I served left-over Halloween candy.

My husband fights with me for the make-up sex.

I can't even make pineapple right-side up cake.

This rental car just said I need to take a break during my long drive. (It sensed fatigue and distraction.). It also suggested I stop at a mall for a new wardrobe.

I don't know what schedule drug Marijuana is considered. I just know it's on the schedule.

I just ate a sleeve of crackers and a pant leg of cookies.

Sense of humor is my favorite one.

Getting dressed for a funeral recently and realized I'm always dressed for a funeral.

Whenever I read a poem in a literary magazine I feel like I'm being punked.

They say cooking is an art. For me it's Krafts.

I just spilled coffee on my leg, cause it was asleep.

I usually go small cause I like going home.

Captcha just asked me to assemble a desk from IKEA.

My clothes aren't actually wrinkled -- they're formfitting.

I eat like I'm taller.