I didn’t want to be a therapist because I didn't want to buy something for $125, like a vacuum, and think — I own this Shark because Marla hated her stepmother.
Eco Barbie. She's made out of glass. Comes in a Tiny House with a Recycling Bin.
My bicycle wheel was squeaky so I brought it in and they greased it right away.
After every joke I’m going to send you a text, “How was my delivery?”
In high school my doctor told me to gain ten pounds so I tried to get on TV.
Someone bought my dog a birthday card, like he can read, he's TWO!
Untuck It has a competitor called Don't Tuck It in In The First Place.
Just pulled some lint from the dryer that was so big I introduced myself.
I once dated a chef who taught me that you have to let the meat rest.
I'm too happy to be funny. Don't worry, it'll pass.
A friend who's very spiritual told me I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I was like, "Worrying?"
I moved to California for family reasons. To get away.
There are eight days of Hanukkah, one for each spelling.
I saw a bald guy with a tattoo on his head that said "TOUPEE."
The hotel was so fancy, instead of a thin mint on your pillow at night they put a whole Toblerone.
I don't know how this pilot passed Flyer's Ed.
This dispensary also sells catnip.
I just got a participation
trophy from my step counter.
I just wasted so much time shopping for a watch.
I've always had fear of missing out. I was born a month early.
Little things make me happy, like choosing the serrated knife from the knife block on the first try.
For Thanksgiving I served left-over Halloween candy.
My husband fights with me for the make-up sex.
I can't even make pineapple right-side up cake.
This rental car just said I need to take a break during my long drive. (It sensed fatigue and distraction.). It also suggested I stop at a mall for a new wardrobe.
I don't know what schedule drug Marijuana is considered. I just know it's on the schedule.
I just ate a sleeve of crackers and a pant leg of cookies.
Sense of humor is my favorite one.
Getting dressed for a funeral recently and realized I'm always dressed for a funeral.
Whenever I read a poem in a literary magazine I feel like I'm being punked.
They say cooking is an art. For me it's Krafts.
I just spilled coffee on my leg, cause it was asleep.
I usually go small cause I like going home.
Captcha just asked me to assemble a desk from IKEA.
My clothes aren't actually wrinkled -- they're formfitting.
I eat like I'm taller.
I just drove somewhere without using GPS.