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JANUARY 2024 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I've been skinny and I've been heavy and I'm miserable both ways.

 

"I only drink water when I go out to eat."  Me explaining to my accountant why I go out to eat so much.

 

After I get a haircut I always sing, "It'll grow, it'll grow," to the tune of Let it Go from Frozen.

 

I'm glad they don't make six-inch heels for three year olds.

 

We're all just doing this for the first time.  Be compassionate.

 

A new year feels like getting a first down.

 

The day after Christmas is a day of many happy returns.

 

The trees outside of tiny houses should all be Bonsais.

 

I actually drove somewhere today without using GPS.

DECEMBER 2023

Everyone in high school is in the drama club.

I've been skinny and I've been heavy and I have to say, I'm miserable both ways.

I'd rather come up with something than come down with something.

You never say "win some, lose some" when you win.

This is where I am in my life.  I made plans to have lunch with a friend a month from today and I just looked at the menu and decided what I was going to order.

I used to want to be famous.  Now I just want my husband to like the smell of the new detergent.

 

I would rather vacuum than talk on the phone.

 

Why is the show Hoarders sponsored by Best Buy?

 

NOVEMBER 2023

Now you can only grasp at paper straws.

I've been facing my fears.  Mirrors.

Everyone in high school is in the drama club.

OCTOBER 2023 

Getting your teeth cleaned can hurt in a good way.

Sometimes a restaurant has a sign that says "We do not serve syrup" and you have no idea why.

Sometimes you get a new car and your old car still had that new car smell. 

Sometimes you buy a ton of snacks for company and they don’t eat any of it. But you do. 

 

A sitcom star might die and you feel like a part of your life is over. 

Sometimes the neighbor’s dogs get into your yard and it’s a metaphor for the world. 

 

SEPTEMBER 2023 

Apparently I've been opening fruit the wrong way this whole time.

It can take up to a half an hour to fill your pill caddy.

The gray stuff from surgical tape can last up to four showers.

Never try to rub off the gray stuff from surgical tape with a lava stone.

Sometimes a chocolate chip cookie just really hits the spot.

AUGUST 2023

I can’t believe airlines charge you for having luggage. Who doesn’t need a suitcase of stuff after flying across the country? It’s like a restaurant charging you for silverware.

 

JULY 2023

Memories are like breath -- you can hold them for a while.

 

When one of my stepsons was six I asked him how his day was and he said, "There were good things and bad things, so it was even."  Now he works at Google.

 

Every time there's a cardboard cup of coffee on TV it's EMPTY.  The audience isn't stupid.  Fill it with SOMETHING.


Billionaires fight each other with our data.

JUNE 2023

When a man buys a shirt he knows what size.  When a woman buys a shirt let the games begin.

 

Any life hack that involves a drill:  Pass.

 

My Ted talk would be about never knowing what to wear

 

Folding laundry is Sisyphusian.

MAY 2023

Cool technology was created by The Jetsons.

 

JANUARY 2023

I've had a taste of performing in huge theaters lately and I have to confess that when we're talking audiences, size does matter.

The bigger the audience the skinnier I feel and the skinnier I feel the funnier I am so it's a win-win.

Miniature golf balls are the same size as regular golf balls.

Documentary idea:  Hair of Politicians.

You can eat four of the best meals you ever ate in as many days.

You might make new friends in your sixties.

A friend is someone whose voice you want to hear, both what they say and how they sound.

When somebody says you already met them, go with it.

A great show puts me in homeostasis.

I can only remember one street joke.  It's about a guy whose wife is losing her hearing.  Caroline Rhea told it to me.

People are intricate.

Eating ice cream after not eating it for years is not disappointing.

DECEMBER 202

It's not every day that you're alive.

It's definitely winter.  The clean laundry has static cling and the coconut oil has solidified.

 

SEPTEMBER 2022

Write it down.  Or your thoughts will go back to thin air.

 

Everything I eat tastes delicious with watermelon.

 

This is my first time being a person.

OCTOBER 2022

Inform your art by living.

NOVEMBER 2022

If you work out, things will work out.

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