I can’t believe airlines charge you for having luggage. Who doesn’t need a suitcase of stuff after flying across the country? It’s like a restaurant charging you for silverware.
Memories are like breath -- you can hold them for a while.
When one of my stepsons was six I asked him how his day was and he said, "There were good things and bad things, so it was even." Now he works at Google.
Every time there's a cardboard cup of coffee on TV it's EMPTY. The audience isn't stupid. Fill it with SOMETHING.
Billionaires fight each other with our data.
When a man buys a shirt he knows what size. When a woman buys a shirt let the games begin.
Any life hack that involves a drill: Pass.
My Ted talk would be about never knowing what to wear
Folding laundry is Sisyphusian.
Cool technology was created by The Jetsons.
I've had a taste of performing in huge theaters lately and I have to confess that when we're talking audiences, size does matter.
The bigger the audience the skinnier I feel and the skinnier I feel the funnier I am so it's a win-win.
Miniature golf balls are the same size as regular golf balls.
Documentary idea: Hair of Politicians.
You can eat four of the best meals you ever ate in as many days.
You might make new friends in your sixties.
A friend is someone whose voice you want to hear, both what they say and how they sound.
When somebody says you already met them, go with it.
A great show puts me in homeostasis.
I can only remember one street joke. It's about a guy whose wife is losing her hearing. Caroline Rhea told it to me.
People are intricate.
Eating ice cream after not eating it for years is not disappointing.
It's not every day that you're alive.
It's definitely winter. The clean laundry has static cling and the coconut oil has solidified.
Write it down. Or your thoughts will go back to thin air.
Everything I eat tastes delicious with watermelon.
This is my first time being a person.
Inform your art by living.
If you work out, things will work out.